Sorting Hat, You Don’t Know Me!

Like many a Harry Potter fan, I’ve taken numerous “What Hogwarts House Would You Be In?” quizzes online, including (what one would think is) the definitive one at Pottermore. Unless I purposely choose wrong answers, I pretty much always end up in Ravenclaw. Based on my personality, this makes some sense, and I think most of my friends would agree that it is a proper sorting. However, I maintain that I would definitely be sorted into Slytherin, and the reason these quizzes never reflect this is because they all have one major flaw:

You are not able to argue with the Sorting Hat.

Recall that, in Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry tells the Hat what house he wants to be in, and it definitely influences the Hat’s decision. Clearly, those being sorted can talk to the Hat and help it make its decision. As I’m sure many a Potter-fanatic has done, I have imagined what it would be like to be sorted (and, specifically, if I was in Harry’s year), and am certain that this is how it would have gone down for me:

*The Sorting Hat is Placed on My Head*

Hat: Oh, this is easy. You are definitely a Ravenclaw. 

Hat: RAV-

Me: Hold on a second Mr. Sorting Hat. What house did that pretty blonde boy get sorted into?

Hat: Pretty blonde boy?

Me: Yeah, the one who’s hair is almost white. Looks kinda cocky. Has an old school Latin name.

HatIf you are referring to Draco Malfoy, then he was sorted into Slytherin.

Me: Ok, great. Then put me in Slytherin.

Hat: But child, you are most definitely a Ravenclaw. You are intelligent and creative, very much an individual, and successful in your studies. And your favorite color is blue.

Me: Yeah, that’s great, but put me in Slytherin. It will be easier to get to know Draco if I am in Slytherin.

Hat: I am not going to put you in a house just because you fancy one of its members! This is a very important and delicate process that will have major ramifications on your entire life. I have been doing this for CENTURIES, and you are very clearly a Raven-

Me: You listen to me Hat. I want to be in constant, close proximity to that very pretty boy. The only word this hall is going to hear from you regarding me is “Slytherin”. If anything else comes out of your mouth, I WILL find you after this banquet is over. I will take you apart, stitch by stitch. I will rip your fabric into ribbons. Finally, I will burn you to ashes and drink whatever remains as an additive in my morning tea. Now, tell me again, what house am I in?


Me: I’m waiting…


Me: Damn right I am.



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