Men Ain’t Shit: A Story as Old as the Gods

Still reading the “Nihongi”, although the latest myth I read made it feel more like I was watching an episode of “Maury”.

*Maury is sitting on stage in his usual chair*

Maury: She claims he impregnated her during their first time together. He says even a god can’t get someone pregnant in just one day. Who’s telling the truth? We find out on today’s episode! First, please welcome The Heavenly Grandchild!

HG: Hello Maury.

Maury: So, Heavenly Grandchild, you met Ataka-ashi-tsu-hime shortly after you descended from the heavens to claim the land promised to you by your august grandmother, Amaterasu-omikami, yes?

HG: That is correct.

Maury: You asked her father, Oho-yama-tsu-mi no Kami, for her hand in marriage very quickly.

HG: That I did.

Maury: But, after you consummated your union, she came to you the next day and told you she was pregnant. While most people would be thrilled to learn that their spouse was with child, you mocked her and denied that you were the father.

*Audience boos*

HG: “There is surely some doubt of this, and therefore did I mock. How is it possible, Heavenly God though I am, in the space of one night to cause anyone to become pregnant? Truly they are not my children”.

Maury: Well, there’s only one way to find out if a Heavenly God can, in fact, get someone pregnant in one night! Earlier, we had Ataka-ashi-tsu-hime take a paternity test. We sealed her in a pit and had her light a fire. If she and her children emerge hurt, then the Heavenly Grandchild is not the father. If they are unharmed, the Heavenly Grandchild is the father.

*Dramatic music plays,  the pit is broken open*

Maury: Heavenly Grandchild, you…

*Ataka-ashi-tsu-hime and four children emerge from the it, unharmed*

Maury: ARE THE FATHER!

*Audience hoots and hollers*

A-a-t-h: I told you you were the father! “The children which thy handmaiden has brought forth, and thy handmaiden herself, have of our own accord undergone the danger of fire, and yet have suffered not the smallest hurt. Will the Heavenly Grandchild not look on them?” It’s time you take responsibility!

HG: “I knew from the first that they were my children, only, as they were conceived in one night, I thought that there might be suspicions, and I wished to let everyone know that they are my children, and also that a Heavenly Deity can cause pregnancy in one night. Moreover, I wished to make it evident that thou dost possess a wonderful and extraordinary dignity, and also that our children have surpassing spirit.”

*Audience boos*

Maury: So you denied your kids and mocked your wife for their own good and to teach everyone else a lesson? I don’t know about that, but I want you both to speak to my counselors before you go home. Coming up, “Is my husband a serial cheater?” Hera will find out if her husband, Zeus, has ever been faithful to her. That’s next on “Maury”!

Seriously, in one variant of the myth, that was the Heavenly Grandchild’s excuse for denying his children. Oh, I knew they were mine, but I was worried about what everyone else would think! Bullshit. He just didn’t want to take responsibility. #YesAllMen, even the gods. ūüėõ

*The quotes come from W.G. Aston’s translation of “Nihongi”.

The Answer Will Always Be No

I am an only child. As such, I often hear the question “Don’t you wish you had a sibling?” (or some similar variation). When I was younger, I leaned toward “No”, but wasn’t sure. The older I’ve gotten, the more firmly I feel about the answer. Now, the answer is “A 100% hard NO”.

Perhaps I wouldn’t feel so strongly if it wasn’t for the fact that many times I’ve been asked about wanting siblings immediately after the asker has just finished telling me some horror story about something awful their sibling(s) did to them. For example, “Yeah, my brother cut off all my hair and decapitated all my dolls. He’s such a dick. I love him though. Don’t you wish you had a sibling?” And then the asker is all surprised and shocked by the fact that I don’t lament not having grown up with someone who constantly harassed me and destroyed my stuff.

I was reminded of this recently because I am reading the “Nihongi”. The first section has a few variants of the myth about Amaterasu, the sun goddess, running away and hiding in a cave. What caused her to do this, to plunge the world into darkness? Her brother, who was being a huge asshole to her. Seriously, he was a HUGE asshole. He wrecked her heavenly rice crop, which is bad enough. He also killed a horse and THREW THE CORPSE AT HER. Then, because he clearly wanted the title of God of the Pricks, he went into her home and just took a shit (in one variant, it was under the chair she always sat in).

In conclusion, do I want a sibling? HELL FUCKING NO. And mythology backs me up on this.

Paper Kamek, the MRA

I’ve been playing “Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam” recently. I paused for a minute when this scene popped up. Toadette, a (the only?) female Toad, had just shown up and given a weapon to Mario, Luigi, and Paper Mario so they could battle the creation of Kamek and Paper Kamek. This was Paper Kamek’s reaction to Toadette explaining how she pulled off the feat.

menontheinternet
Paper Kamek is unable to deal with Toadette’s genius. Image¬†¬©Nintendo

My first thought: “Damn, that is so many men on the internet reacting to women.”

Sorting Hat, You Don’t Know Me!

Like many a Harry Potter fan, I’ve taken numerous “What Hogwarts House Would You Be In?” quizzes online, including (what one would think is) the definitive one at Pottermore. Unless I purposely choose wrong answers, I pretty much always end up in Ravenclaw. Based on my personality, this makes some sense, and I think most of my friends would agree that it is a proper sorting. However, I maintain that I would definitely be sorted into Slytherin, and the reason these quizzes never reflect this is because they all have one major flaw:

You are not able to argue with the Sorting Hat.

Recall that, in Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry tells the Hat what house he wants to be in, and it definitely influences the¬†Hat’s decision. Clearly, those being sorted can talk to the Hat and help it make its decision. As I’m sure many a Potter-fanatic has done, I have imagined what it would be like to be sorted (and, specifically, if I was in Harry’s year), and am certain that this is how it would have gone down for me:

*The Sorting Hat is Placed on My Head*

Hat: Oh, this is easy. You are definitely a Ravenclaw. 

Hat: RAV-

Me: Hold on a second Mr. Sorting Hat. What house did that pretty blonde boy get sorted into?

Hat: Pretty blonde boy?

Me:¬†Yeah, the one who’s hair is almost white. Looks kinda cocky. Has an old school Latin name.

Hat: If you are referring to Draco Malfoy, then he was sorted into Slytherin.

Me: Ok, great. Then put me in Slytherin.

Hat: But child, you are most definitely a Ravenclaw. You are intelligent and creative, very much an individual, and successful in your studies. And your favorite color is blue.

Me:¬†Yeah, that’s great, but put me in Slytherin. It will be easier to get to know Draco if I am in Slytherin.

Hat: I am not going to put you in a house just because you fancy one of its members! This is a very important and delicate process that will have major ramifications on your entire life. I have been doing this for CENTURIES, and you are very clearly a Raven-

Me:¬†You listen to me Hat. I want to be in constant, close proximity to that very pretty boy. The only word this hall is going to hear from you regarding me is “Slytherin”. If anything else comes out of your mouth, I WILL find you after this banquet is over. I will take you apart, stitch by stitch. I will rip your fabric into ribbons. Finally, I will burn you to ashes and drink whatever remains as an additive in my morning tea. Now, tell me again, what house am I in?

Hat: 

Me:¬†I’m waiting…

Hat: SLYTHERIN!

Me: Damn right I am.